What your favorite retro console says about your personality

We’re taking another crack at the study of sociology. We started by judging you based on your driver choice is in Mario Kart 64.  Now we are switching it up a bit.

Let’s see what type of person you are based on your favorite retro video game console. We narrowed the list down to the more popular consoles over the years through the sixth generation. Sorry if you’re a fan of Neo Geo or ColecoVision, but we doubt many of you will stumble upon this site anyways.

Let us know in the comments if these apply to you.

Atari 2600

You’re likely over 40,  but you’re on Facebook and still creeping on your high school crush who is recently divorced. What are you waiting for? Make her your Mrs. Pac-Man and have her gobble your balls.

You like to keep things simple and clean. One might say you’re an old-fashioned type of person. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but your blind consumerism caused the video game crash of the 80s and probably the housing bubble of the late 2000s so thanks for that. 

Nintendo Entertainment System

You long for an era of gaming that is long gone. When the bullshit that permeates modern games just didn’t exist. When video games didn’t hold your hand. You miss a time when you could get killed by an enemy you didn’t see, and have to start the entire game over.

New things scare you. You see all these youngsters playing their Fortnites and their Minecrafts and it just baffles you. You want a return to the glory days of the mid-80’s. You want someone to come along and help you take your hobby back for the real gamers. You want to Make Gaming Great Again

SNES

Even though you’re a bit older, you still look amazing for your age. Just like the games you love, you have this timeless quality. You seem to be great at anything you do, from your job, to sports, to sex. You truly are the full package.

Sega Genesis

Forget what that loser just said about the SNES! Sup my Sega dudes?! Hope you’re staying radical! You look WAY better than SNES fans! That Blast Processing has done wonders for your skin! And you’re definitely more timeless! I bet you’re still gonna look good even when you’re 150 years old. SNES lovers will look like shit!

And how dare they say that SNES fanboys are good at sports. It’s an objective fact that Sega dudes are the best at sports. Meet us on the court, NintenDORKS! Look for the bad dudes smoking the coolest cigarettes, wearing the sickest jorts, and rocking the raddest frosted tips.

Nintendo 64

Adulting is hard. Having a job, paying bills, doing chores. You miss the days where it was just you and your buddies on a Saturday night, drinking some Squirt, eating some Pizza Hut, huddled around your 18” Magnovox, playing some Goldeneye.

Life never got better than those days. Sure, now you’re married and have two beautiful children, but that doesn’t compare to the joy of holding an N64 controller covered in pizza grease. The best moment of your life was not your wedding day, or when you held your son for the first time. It was when you beat all your friends with Slappers only, even when your fat friend Neil played as Oddjob. 

PlayStation

You know what it’s like to get stabbed in the back. By putting your trust in someone else, you left yourself vulnerable, and they broke your heart. This painful rejection would’ve destroyed a weaker person, but you’re far from weak.

No, you rose from the ashes and ended up better than ever before. Remember that asshole that left you, and that floozy he left you for? That relationship was an embarrassing failure. But you’ve had nothing but success since then. You’re a strong independent woman, who don’t need no man. Especially when that man is a chubby Italian plumber.

Dreamcast

You’re loyal to a fault. Buying into the last-ditch effort of a dying company was a bold move, Cotton. Let’s see how it played out. Not well since you couldn’t play with any of your friends because they all had Playstations by now. 

You’re an early adopter, but are usually late to the game, Investing in Sega at the time was like buying into Bitcoin during the 2017 boom and bust, but you forgot to sell when it hit almost $20,000 in value and then you had to stick with it while it was below the value it was at your initial investment.

XBox

You’re a little beefy and not many thought you would make it, but you sure proved them wrong. Fueled by a metric shit ton of Monster energy drinks, your tenacity proved you can succeed where others have failed.

Don’t let your recent mistakes define you, bruh. Remember your roots and you will rise to the greatness you once saw. It might help if you ditch that Tapout shirt you always wear and stop punching holes in the drywall. 

PlayStation 2

You are definitely the popular one in your friend group. You’re not the life of the party but you’re definitely needed to get it started. 

Ever the perfectionist, you work hard at your craft and make sure you do an amazing job at whatever your goal is. The ladies love you, the men want to be you, and Chuck Norris would tip his hat to you. 

GameCube

You’re not like everyone else. When everyone wears black, you wear purple. When they use regular disks, you use tiny ones. When they were playing online, you were playing with yourself. Or with friends by your side!

So what if you’re a little different? That’s part of what makes you special. When you feel down, just pick yourself back up by that handy little handle on your backside, and just be yourself, you boxy little weirdo, you.