What your driver choice in Mario Kart 64 says about you

By GYG Lounge

Some people use horoscopes to better understand themselves. Others use the Enneagram Personality Test. Here at GYG Lounge, we don’t need astrology or a scientific model based on core beliefs to tell you the kind of person you are.

We know exactly who you are based on the character you pick in Mario Kart.

To keep it simple, we will use characters from Mario Kart 64 to avoid getting muddled down with the scores of playable characters in the later games. It also has a slightly better character selection than the original.

Let’s get started:

Mario

You are used to getting your way. You are always player one because you are the older sibling or the host player. That ego is huge and must be constantly stroked.  You crave the spotlight and thus love hogging the title character. You are the person everyone wanted to be at one point, but then they realized it wasn’t all that it’s cracked up to be and now they are gunning for you. (Maybe shelling for you?)

But you are also very basic. Come on! You picked Mario! Haven’t you played him enough in every single other Mario game? That’s not a very exciting pick even with the limited selection in Mario Kart 64. You are afraid to try new things. And that’s exactly why your girlfriend keeps leaving you for a turtle. 

Advice: Try spicing up your sex life. Give more attention to those around you.

Luigi

You wanted to be Mario or Yoshi, but you settled for Luigi. You are the beta. You are probably a younger sibling who has been Luigi for so long that you have just stuck with him. And now you’re trying to prove you are the better sibling and can beat everyone else as Luigi. 

Your confidence swirls as you get home field advantage during the first race of the Mushroom Cup. But deep down, you are as basic as Mario and you know it. You are stuck in your comfort zone and desperately need to break free, like Freddie Mercury in drag.

Advice: Don’t try to copy those around you. Spend time trying to figure out who you want to be.

Peach

On the surface you come off as helpless and worthless. You are always getting kidnapped and are prone to Stockholm syndrome. But you like getting all the attention. You purposefully present yourself this way to fool everyone.

In reality, it’s been you pulling the strings all along. You love getting people to fight over you. You are a master of manipulation. That’s why you picked Peach, and everyone hates you for it. 

Advice: Winners pick Peach because they know they know it annoys the other players. Let other people win for a change. They probably need it more than you. You can crush them next time.

Toad

You are the true underdog. And no one knows why you’re here. You have been sidelined all your life, relegated to master of ceremonies for most games. There’s nothing spectacular about you either and no one expects much from you. But that’s what makes you dangerous.

Under the guise of your cheery attitude is the spirit of a competitor. You’ve been on the sidelines this long so you could strategize and learn everyone’s weakness. And that’s why you picked Toad – so you can wipe the smug look off your friends’ faces as you whoosh by them while speeding into oncoming traffic on Toad’s Turnpike.

Advice: Set higher goals for yourself. Don’t let the opinions of others hold you back when you can be more successful.

Yoshi

All your life, you’ve carried the weight of those around you. Their burdens and their responsibilities, all of it is on you. And what do you get when you speak up for yourself? A punch to the back of the head before they jump off your back and let you fall to your death in a bottomless pit.

But you’re not going to take that bullshit anymore. You repressed all of that anger for years until it became too much to handle. And it was painful to let go, because it all manifested in the form of that huge egg you had to pop out of your ass at Yoshi’s Canyon.  But it was worth it, because someone is guaranteed to be crushed by it. You are dedicated to revenge.

Advice: Please, get a colonoscopy.

Donkey Kong

You are the misunderstood bad boy who is a teddy bear at heart. Sometimes people like to throw your shady past in your face (what’s going on with your lineage?), but you don’t let it bother you. You are a pretty chill person nowadays.

Family is very important to you as is fitness and a continual source of potassium. People can count on you to help them when they are in a bind. And while you are more relaxed, you are not above going ape shit every once in a while. You are also very hairy and not into manscaping.

Advice: Tidy up a little. You’ll thank us later.

Wario

You diabolical bastard. You are the friend everyone loves to hate. Playing the role of the villain excites you. You love pissing everyone off, but unlike Peach, you’re not afraid to let it be known. You are bold and have no filter, which lands you as many friends as enemies.

Putting yourself first is your mantra. However, your friends can count on you to back them up in a fight. Usually, you’re the one starting the fights though. Especially when you lightning bolt everybody as they go over the ramp in Wario Stadium.

Advice: Your lack of filter gets you into trouble. Holding your tongue more will work out for you.

Bowser

You wish you were as bold as the person who picked Wario and as cool as the person who picked Donkey Kong, but you are neither of those things. You picked Bowser because you are just an asshole. A big, salty asshole.

You listen to “Jessie’s Girl” by Rick Springfield on repeat. You have a thing for blonds, but it never works out. Try someone outside your comfort zone. Break out of that shell for once in your life or you’ll always succumb to your bad habits. You like to pick fights, but you always lose them. You have your moments though. Moments where you really shine and come through for people. Very rare though. You showed your true colors when you picked Bowser. You at least admit it. Acceptance is the first step. There’s still hope that you can be redeemed. Wait, sonofabitch, he just ran off with Peach again!

Advice: Read a damn self help book.

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