By Joe Delaney
Like any responsible person, I haven’t had much of a social life during the COVID-19 pandemic. While many assholes have been going out to bars and hanging out with friends without wearing masks, I’ve been living vicariously through my Animal Crossing avatar.
Who needs to go out to a real concert when I can spend my Saturday nights jamming out with K.K. Slider?
Over the last five months, I’ve played Animal Crossing a little every day, so my island is exactly where I want it to be. Sure, I may be perpetually stuck with a 4-star island, and I can’t seem to get my house above a B-grade, but honestly I’m too lazy to put up any more fences or get rid of my excessive foliage.
I’m also pretty happy with my selection of villagers. There’s Genji, a rabbit who’s either Japanese, or a huge weeb. Then there’s Pancetti, a southern belle pig who’s probably a little racist, but is just oh so charming. Best of all, I have Raymond the hipster cat, who I didn’t even pay real world money for, because I’m not a loser .
Not everyone’s a winner, but overall, I’m satisfied with my—
OH DEAR GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!
I don’t know how this happened. Was I drunk when I invited this monstrosity to live on my island? Is this the price I paid to get Raymond without paying someone $100 on eBay?
Hugh is just the worst, and not just aesthetically. Every time I see him, he’s Naruto-running around for no reason. If I don’t talk to him for a few days, he says creepy things like “I stood outside your house for hours waiting to see you.”
The thought of an ugly pig creeping outside my home like a horror movie slasher makes me not want to play this game anymore.
He has to go. I just need to figure out how to get him to leave.
In the original Animal Crossing, one of the most surefire ways to get a villager to hate you was to beat them in the head with your bug net over and over again. Let’s give that a shot.
So far, so good. After a few whacks, he told me how much that hurt, and asked for me to stop. I’m glad I could hurt him as much as he’s hurt the property values on my island. Time for some more whacking.
… and my net broke. I literally just crafted that thing this morning. That’s enough assault today anyway. By tomorrow, he’ll be begging to leave.
Why is he still here? Does he secretly like being beaten with a net? Is he into that shit? Oh god, he probably is. Time for a new tactic.
Nothing makes someone want to move far away than a nasty letter. I really need to hit Hugh where it hurts.
This will make him Naruto-run straight off my island.
He thanked me for the lovely letter I sent him. The sick bastard probably took what I said as a compliment. I need to get this creep off my island before it’s too late.
The town flag has been changed to show him that he is not welcome on Moonfall.
There’s no way this won’t work.
That didn’t work. Hugh is just being his normal weird-ass self. And now a real world police van is parked outside my real world house. Cops must really like Hugh, or something.
What else can I do? I’ve tried three different things. It seems that I’m stuck with Hugh forever…
I’m just going to go about my business as usual. Catch some fish and some bugs. Talk to the neighbors that don’t make me sick. During the K.K. Slider concert, I’m gonna stand as far away from Hugh as possible.
On my way to Nook’s Cranny, I saw Hugh standing in Town Square with a thought bubble above his head. This is it! He wants to leave!
I talked to him, and he said the words I’ve been waiting to hear for weeks now. He thinks it’s time to pack his shit up and leave! Turns out all I had to do was ignore him. I was then given with a choice: “I’ll miss you” (aka GTFO) or “You can’t go!” After all this time, I was about to be rid of Hugh for good…
But then I reflected on everything I had done up to this point. I thought about the physical and emotional abuse that I put Hugh through out of petty hatred. Then I had a flashback about my estranged father figure who recently died via golf club to the head, the man who taught me the meaning of forgiveness…
“You can’t go!” I said to Hugh. It’s time I put the past behind me. I forgive you, Hugh.
Nah, just kidding. I told that pig to GET. THE FUCK. OUTTA HERE! Go stand outside someone else’s house you big blue asshole.